A promise to my future children (but not yours):

I spend a lot of time thinking about my Future Children. I mean A LOT. I hope they will someday realize this and understand that even though they will technically be 'unplanned pregnancies', they were actually thought about very much, even before they were a twinkle in their fathers eye. I don't know if that kinda makes them sort of planned, but WHATEVER.

So, I have a lot of bad habits.

I mean like, a lot.

And one of them consists of eating TONS of ramen noodles. This is probably one of the least bad, of my bad habits. I justify the salt consumption by never drinking the 'broth'. Seriously. I don't drink used hot juices...GROSS. Or used cereal milk for that matter (but that's a blog for a different day).

I'm dumb enough to binge on ramen noodles. And I'm really into 'instant' gratification (PUN!!!), so, basically, I can't stop. But I'm also smart enough to realize, very clearly, that ramen noodles are fucking bad for you (me), and probably shouldn't even exist for consumption.

So, this is my promise to my future children: I will probably, in secret, eat ramen noodles. Probably a lot. But you will never eat them. Not until you can go buy them for yourself. And I will tell you that they taste like hot worms taking a bath in salt-water, to discourage you from eating them. Hopefully for your entire life. I will also pretend to like raw celery and carrots to get you to eat them. YOU'RE WELCOME FUTURE CHILDREN!

CLICK HERE-will ya?

I was too late...

I was walking Jackson Corndog today after work, when a little dog came running up out of nowhere and scared the crap out of me and Jack. Sometimes a few people around here, for some stupid reason, walk their dogs without leashes, but I didn't see anyone around.

So, I try to get this dog to follow us. But he just barks. And I'm like 'oh shit I don't know what to do'. So, I'm calling him like a freak and he is just yapping and cars are going by and I'm freaking out. So, I run Jack home, grab his leash off of him, fly back out the door and take off down the sidewalk only to see a car stopped in the middle of the road and a guy standing, looking in front of his car, and I hear a dog yelping.

He's like, 'Do you have a dog?'

I'm like, 'That's not my dog...Did you hit him? Is he okay?'

All I'm thinking is: 'SHIT FUCK. I SHOULD HAVE PICKED THE DOG UP OR SOMETHING...now I have to look at a dead dog and find some neighbor person and tell them their dog is dead SHIT FUCK'.

Then the guy is like, 'I ALMOST HIT HIM! I was going to take him. Do you want to take him?'

So, this guy has this dog on the floor in the back of his car and I'm trying to get the leash on him when this woman walks over and is all like, 'Do you have my dog?' And we're all like 'Yeah.' And the guy tells her that he almost hit the dog, and the lady just looks at her dog and is like, 'Oh Frankie, you so stupid!'

Then we realize the dog crapped in his back seat.

Then I walked away.

The old man routine?

I was about to ring an older gentleman up for some wine today when he stopped me and asked, "Are you old enough to ring this up?"

I replied, "Oh, indeed, I am more, MORE, than old enough."

And he said, "Then I want what you've been drinking."

I assured him that it was red wine every night and a high salt diet, lots of dark chocolate, lots of swearing, and a loud refusal to act proper and dignified.

I don't know if he believed me or not.

Age is hard on a woman...

I wish I had written this:

Click ABOVE to go to there.

Jackson Corndog

My boyfriend has a dog named Jack, which he (my boyfriend), got drunk a week ago and tried to give me. I told him that he was insane. But what he doesn't know is that I already own at least 3 and a half of his (Jack's) paws; mainly because I take him for walks and buy him treats and let him lick my arm and stuff.

This is Jack:



This is how I see Jack:




Jack also likes to cross his paws all fancy style. My boyfriend says that he "Don't raise no 'mo's" but I like Jack even more for it. I don't like it when he (Jack) sneezes on my face. The end.

The nature of the season

As a kid, I used to be up all night with bloody noses. Hours spent in the bathroom bleeding out.

And every few winters or so, I get to relive it.

Winter has come early this year. And, my bathroom garbage-can looks like a crime scene.

I think I'm probably too old for this...

In retrospect, I should have locked the door...

This morning I was in the bathroom.
My boyfriend comes running in, no knock (yeah, he usually knocks or SOMETHING).
Then he just starts telling me stuff.
And I'm instantly all like, "DUDE! I'M POOING!"
He just looks at me sitting there AND KEEPS TELLING ME SHIZ!
So, I'm all like, 'okay. i guess we just poo in front of each other now? um...?'
Yeah, I'm not all that comfortable with it either.
Eventually I had to interrupt him and was just like, "Okay, can we talk about this in a few minutes? I'm totally sitting here and WAS pooing when you came in and this is weird..."
I'll admit, I was either too sober, or not drunk enough to handle this whole 'let's talk while you poo' morning.
He, on the other hand, seemed completely unfazed...

Yeah, we work

my boyfriend: Emily...I don't know how you'll feel about this...but I think...I want to start wearing spandex...

me: Uh...what...why?

my boyfriend: For biking. It would be easier on my taint!


what I should have said: Tell that to your balls!

what I did say: Ummm...?

MENSTRUATION!

A couple months ago my sister told me that her boyfriend LOVED going to Costco. When I found this out I was overjoyed. I was like 'SWEET! Now I can have like a years worth of tampons for the cost of like six months worth of tampons!' (Or that is what I thought because I've never been in a Costco and I have no idea what the prices are like...but I imagine that the prices rule.) So, I was all like, 'Tell him to buy me a YEAR'S WORTH OF TAMPONS!'

She said he wouldn't because he doesn't even buy her tampons at a regular store. Fuck that shit. If your boyfriend won't even buy you tampons, then you might as well just get pregnant. (kidding [or am I?])

I hate running out of bathroom stuff. I hate buying tampons (because I only ever buy a month's supply), I hate running out of toilet paper, I hate running out of toothpaste...blah blah blah. You know, because I assume you feel the same way.

So, today I went to the dollar store to buy some tampons, the cheapest kind, because I feel like they should be free, because dudes don't have to spend shit on shit for their hygiene if they don't feel like it...And I bought a lot of cheap-ass tampons, and if the string breaks off, I'll flip my shit because that's never happened before, but I could totally handle it, but it would be lame, and I would write a very graphic letter to Femtex explaining what happened...BUT I DIGRESS!

The point is; that when I was reading the stupid insert about TSS on these cheap-ass tampons,(because, for some reason, I always do, and I also want to see how the diagram portrays a vagina/uterus) I discovered that they measure the absorption rate of the tampons with something called a "SYNGYNA test". WTF?!

Oh, food...

So, at my birthday party all I was trying to do was eat a delicious Chicken Chili Verde Burrito from Trader Joe's...It sounds so simple right? I hunker down, cut a piece (yes, I CUT burritos [Taco Bell taught me that food spills out of burritos {and I don't fuck with food stained shirts anymore}]). I put that first delicious bite in my mouth, and FUCK ME, I bit down on my lip piercing with my canine tooth hard enough to take out a huge chunk of tooth.

I mean, it's not that HUGE. I really have to point it out to people when I show them. And I show EVERYONE. Even strangers. I'm all like, look what I did to myself on my BIRTHDAY! Yeah, that's gonna cost a couple hundred dollars to fix.

And the worst part? I had to spit out that first burrito bite, because it was all full of tooth. Anyway, my lip piercing is dead to me. Forever. I'm done with that shit. You ruin even a bite of my burrito, and there's a Hell you have to Pay.

Enjoy this quote-out-of-context:

"But if I call my mom we can order pizza AND get abortion pills."

Shrink Wrap: A thought and a dream

Every time I cut the shrink wrap off a pallet at work I think about how similar it must be to a doctor cutting open a person to do surgery. Then I think: this is the closest I will ever become to being a surgeon.

TARGET RATZ!

I saw three rats today. One was dead, but it still counts.

I saw some stuff!

Things I saw that I want YOU to see too!

erg. i hate flying.

So, now I am starting to freakout about this trip. Mainly because I don't want to die in a plane crash. I mean, it would be cool if the plane crashed and some type of "Lost" adventure ensued, minus all the death and shiz...and scary stuff...But since I'm not flying over an ocean, I don't even have that to look forward to.

The fact that I don't FULLY expect to die on this plane trip kinda makes me think that I totally WILL die on this plane trip. And the fact that I'm flying on such an infamous plane-death-day, makes me think I'll live, only to die on the return trip (which is a much less infamous death day...)

Since all of my worst fears come true, I would like you to know that if I DO die on this trip, I saw it coming for the most part. If I don't, well, I've been wrong before.

C'mon kids. Git it.

I can't get this out of my head. You're welcome.

Watch this first:




Watch this second:

A typical conversation

Drawer: slam

Other Drawer: SLAM

Cabinet: SLAM SLAM

Other Cabinet: slam BANG

Me taking a shower: Hey! HEY! Are you mad or something?

Boyfriend: WAT? Why are you asking me that?!

Me taking a shower: Because you're slamming drawers and shit!

Boyfriend: I'm. Not. Mad. I. Just. Don't. Know. My. Own. Strength. Emily.



True story. Based on facts.

Braggart, I know.

I've gotten sappy.

Maybe it's because my boyfriend brings me cheese fries.

Maybe it's because Corndog Fluffernutter is so damn cute when he crosses his paws.

Maybe it's because I put down 4 bottles of wine with my three favorite people in the world.

None of this means that I'm still not looking for a fight.

Because I would still break a bottle and cut you faster than you could blink.

This I believe.