In which the murderee becomes the murderer

This little fucker got onto my ceiling today somehow.

(Can you see that my eyes are all fucked up? Because I barely can...)

I tried to ignore it, thinking it was a moth or some shit, but then I realized it was way too long and skinny to be a moth. Then I thought it was a bee. But it wasn't. Then I thought it was a hornet. But it wasn't. In fact I have no idea what kind of creature it was. It could fly. It was watching me. I needed to take a shower but he was blocking my way to the bathroom. I threw a shoe at him. Then I threw another shoe. Then a newspaper. He didn't even flinch. He was some kind of trained combat soldier terrorist insect. Fuck that shit. So I tried to wake up my boyfriend. But he told me to "...just come in here and sleep..." NO WAY! The second I turn my back on that little infiltrating asshole is the minute he flies into my glorious hair, or hides in my purse or on the bottom of the doorknob, or in my shoe or some shit. I'M NOT STUPID!

So, then I'm like FINE I'm a fucking feminist. I can fucking handle this. I don't need a GD man to go around killing giant freak bugs for me. I'll do it my god-damned self! So IRONICALLY I pulled out the vacuum.

Now, I'm smart enough to know that with both my hands on the vacuum I was leaving myself open to attack. But honestly I really felt like it was my only hope. All of my other implements were on the other side of the room, BEHIND the giant freak...my broom, my joke flyswatter, my spray bleach, my shoes...Oh the longing...So, up goes the vacuum hose and--

TING

PING

PING

That little fucker didn't even move. He seriously thought he was stronger than a vacuum. I let the thing run for like 5 minutes before I turned it off. I don't need to deal with any giant bugs wedged in the hose, crawling out and nesting in my ear or some shit. Anyway, I tried to get a gander at him through the clear dust-holder on the vacuum, but he's hiding. That little shit.

Moral of this story: Time to get new glasses. And I'm FUCKING brave. And I still scream like a 50 year old man...

Humor, wha?

So, the thing about humor is...Well, the happier you are, the less funny you are...I think. That seems to be the problem anyway. Like, all comedians are miserable, right? About their lives or something...But they are fucking hilarious. The more stressed out they are the more funny they are, because humor comes from the brink of shit.

And that's my problem. I'm too happy. Things are going too well. I'm trying to find something to be stressed about, but there is nothing. Like the stuff I could pick to flip my shit is so lame I could barf; "Oh, man, the coffee at 7-Eleven SUCKS!", or "My deodorant is MOSTLY working!", "I only have SOME delicious food!", "I'm getting SO MANY hours at work, my paycheck will be BIG!", "My boyfriend says things (after reading this over my shoulder) like, 'Sorry I fucked the funny out of you, SORRY!' " And it's true. I'm gonna be so not mad.

Hilarity. Oh well.

When I brush and floss

Every time that that I floss my teeth...Okay, let me start over. Sometimes, when I floss my teeth my gums bleed a little. Then I spit out that bloody spit and I think to myself, "This is the closest I will ever get to knowing what a prize-fighting boxer feels like."

Learn

A little advice about paying

A few weeks ago I was at a gas station in my hometown buying Certs because I love them and I can't find them in Chicago. I walked up to pay as some dude was walking out the door. The cashier was staring at this guy then looks at me and says, "Fucking ASSHOLES who throw their money on the counter! I FUCKING HATE these assholes who can't just hand their money, they just FUCKING THROW IT DOWN!" She then proceeded to give the biggest eye-roll that I've ever seen, growl, drop a couple more f-bombs, then says; "Hi Honey, how you doin' today?"

So OF COURSE I said, "I'm doing fine. And I fucking hate when people throw their money down too. When I hand them their change I set it in front of them. They OBVIOUSLY don't want to touch my hands for some reason."

I keep my hands pretty clean and that cashier had clean hands too. So, I don't think it's us. People who just throw their money down for me to pick up are rude. And I am against people being rude.

Oh what? I have a bike?!

My boyfriend just bought me a bike. And if you knew me, you would know that I have avoided biking in Chicago because I don't want to get hit by a car and die. So, this is a big deal. Also, the bike he got for me is ridiculous, not because it's a bad bike or anything, but because it's so girlie.

So, it's this hot little number. Pink and grey. 10 speed. Huffy. I like it.

I think it's hilarious that a foul-mouthed asshole like myself is riding around on a little sweetheart bike. Every girl should have one feminine thing at least.

So, guess where I took my first bike ride to? Dunkin Donuts--for coffee and a BACON breakfast sandwich! When I said this was going to be a good summer, I didn't know it was going to be this good!

Cars better look out, cuz I'm not fucking around out there. You can tell them I said that.

BACON! aka: The Gateway Meat

After being a full-on vegetarian for eight years and a partial vegetarian for five years before that, I have found my way back to meat. What caused me to change my eating habits? BACON! (And a seriously profound craving for meat over the course of the past couple of years).

I still feel bad about it (I never said that I wasn't eating meat because it didn't taste good), but it's pretty cool to rediscover all the new things I can eat. And I can be choosey...I used to, in my day, eat any type of meat if it was around. But, now I know that I don't like sausage that much, so guess what? I'M NOT EATING IT. Yeah, that's right. But I will eat bacon. On everything. At any chance I get. BACON, BACON, BACON!!!

I was never pushy about others becoming vegetarians, and I still think people should eat less meat (or no meat) generally speaking...But vegans? Ugh, give me a break. Never liked those motherfuckers too much...Never met a vegan that wasn't religiously trying to convert everyone and demanding everyone else to cater to their self-imposed dietary restrictions...Sorry vegans, but it's true. Well, I'm sure they're not ALL zealots, but...they kinda are...

BACON!

A normal time at the local 7-Eleven

I just walked to my 7-Eleven to buy some smokes and what did I do, you ask? Well, I managed to knock over a stack of pamphlets onto the floor and dump the take-a-penny tray--all while pressing the wrong buttons on the credit card machine. After I got outside and lit up a smoke, I dropped it into my unopened umbrella. The cigarette then fell onto the wet sidewalk. Don't worry, I still smoked it. I'm hardcore like that.

My new favorite singer!

This is Katie Lee on the album, "Songs of Couch and Consultation", and it's the best thing I've heard in a while. ENJOY! (And try to ignore the lame graphics...)

If Only Everyone Could Be SOOOO Lucky

A very dear friend of mine recently asked, "Are you happy?" I replied, "Why, yes, yes indeed I actually am." To which she responded, "Good, because I only want two things for my friends; for them to be happy and for all their exes to DIE."

Although, if everyone's exes left the country, that's pretty much like being dead. I'd settle for that one too.

This is the WORST!

Ever since my boyfriend showed me this stupid thing, I can't get it out of my head. When I turn on a light switch I'm half expecting this freak to jump on my g.d. hand. EW.

Great. Now I'm not going to even want to look at my own blog.