HAPPY VALENTIMES!!!
And, I really would. XO!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Chinatown = your future presents
I just had a good little look around Chinatown...I only went to a few shops because it was getting late...But I have, in that short amount of time, decided that all the presents that I buy for people in the future will come from Chinatown. Like a giant piggy bank that looks exactly like the little one that I just bought at the thrift store yesterday...So, if you don't want kick-ass presents from Chinatown in the forms of fake food, strange kitchen items and giant piggy banks, you probably shouldn't invite me to your parties anymore. Consider yourself warned.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Deck it/me, either way...
I won't tell you how many decks of cards I already own...But this had IT'S OWN KICK-ASS FAKE WOOD BOX. I don't care if I have a problem. I am having fun.
Deez nuts.
My boyfriend asked what kind of nuts I was going to put in this thing.
I just looked at him.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Watching a living nightmare: Jersey Shore
OH MY GOD. What am I doing?
Apparently I will watch anything if it's easy to stream/watch On Demand...Whatever.
Have you ever watched Jersey Shore? These people are terrible. The females display some of the worst traits that females possess, exaggerated x WTF. And the dudes are so horrible in the most stereotypical x FTL (Fuck Their Lives) kind of way THAT I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SEE AND HEAR ON THIS SHOW. Seriously.
I feel like a terrible person for watching this. But it's fascinating. These people exist in this backwards retarded universe. I just can't understand how any of them are able to survive. I really think I would blow my brains out if I had to exist for more than two hours in this shit-storm of douche.
And I can't stop watching.
Smack me in my face if I start obsessing about being tan.
Thanks.
Apparently I will watch anything if it's easy to stream/watch On Demand...Whatever.
Have you ever watched Jersey Shore? These people are terrible. The females display some of the worst traits that females possess, exaggerated x WTF. And the dudes are so horrible in the most stereotypical x FTL (Fuck Their Lives) kind of way THAT I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SEE AND HEAR ON THIS SHOW. Seriously.
I feel like a terrible person for watching this. But it's fascinating. These people exist in this backwards retarded universe. I just can't understand how any of them are able to survive. I really think I would blow my brains out if I had to exist for more than two hours in this shit-storm of douche.
And I can't stop watching.
Smack me in my face if I start obsessing about being tan.
Thanks.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
My yearly Gilmore Girls episode
About once a year I'll watch The Gilmore Girls. I happened to be watching an episode today. One of the characters did something that may have been wrong, or may have been right, depending on how you look at it (is this not what EVERY episode of The Gilmore Girls is about?) Anyway, when I asked my boyfriend whether or not the character was right or wrong he said, "Either way, I don't give a shit". And now I can't stop laughing. The end.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
THE INFAMOUS: C & C Combo!!!
What is a C & C Combo?
Well. Sometimes you have to buy condoms. And sometimes, for various reasons, that can be awkward. Sometimes you have to ask your partner or your partner has to ask you to buy condoms. And sometimes it just sounds LAME to say, 'Hey, should I get some condoms from wherever or what?' SO instead, I say, 'Hey, should I get a C & C Combo or what?' and then not only do you not sound lame, but you also have a code and you don't have to leave CVS with only condoms. You have to buy something else that starts with a 'C', like Candy or ice Cream or Coca Cola Classic (triple bonus points) or Campbell's Soup or whatever is the weirdest thing you can think of to combine with condoms. It's kind of fun. And you're welcome. I think it's funny to make the cashier blush. But if I think the cashier is looking at me like I'm a slut, well, then, that pretty much sucks. But at least I'm not having illegitimate children left and right (this is how I console myself). xo. Kinda drunk right now. Sorry, but enjoy anyway.
Well. Sometimes you have to buy condoms. And sometimes, for various reasons, that can be awkward. Sometimes you have to ask your partner or your partner has to ask you to buy condoms. And sometimes it just sounds LAME to say, 'Hey, should I get some condoms from wherever or what?' SO instead, I say, 'Hey, should I get a C & C Combo or what?' and then not only do you not sound lame, but you also have a code and you don't have to leave CVS with only condoms. You have to buy something else that starts with a 'C', like Candy or ice Cream or Coca Cola Classic (triple bonus points) or Campbell's Soup or whatever is the weirdest thing you can think of to combine with condoms. It's kind of fun. And you're welcome. I think it's funny to make the cashier blush. But if I think the cashier is looking at me like I'm a slut, well, then, that pretty much sucks. But at least I'm not having illegitimate children left and right (this is how I console myself). xo. Kinda drunk right now. Sorry, but enjoy anyway.
Monday, January 24, 2011
REPOST: Open Letter: To Hibernation
Dear Hibernation,
I am busy sitting here trying to understand you. I am doing this because I feel a deep need to hibernate right now, but I am not even sure what that means exactly. I learned about hibernation in grade school, but it was not as fascinating then as it seems to be now.
I am pretty sure that cold blooded creatures like me cannot hibernate. I perch on my heated rock under a sun-lamp on cold days like these. As I sit there, I dream of hibernation. To be a raccoon or some kind of bear and hibernate all through the winter, only to wake up a couple of times to eat some fish or garbage or whatever it is that animals eat, that would be the life. And that is all that I remember learning about you.
I think it would be cool to tell people that I was hibernating. At work they would say, "How was your day off?" and I would reply, "Oh, you know, I just hibernated, like usual." I think that would really impress people at work. At least more than saying, "Oh, you know, I was just thinking about hibernation." If I had to say that, they would think I was a total loser. (And I am not).
Anyway, I just hate winter and being cold. I am wishing for you, hibernation, but I am not some kind of weird animal...so, it’s just never gonna happen. It’s one of those things I talk about, but will never be able to do. Oh well.
Hibernating is so sciencey,
Emily Illinois
I am busy sitting here trying to understand you. I am doing this because I feel a deep need to hibernate right now, but I am not even sure what that means exactly. I learned about hibernation in grade school, but it was not as fascinating then as it seems to be now.
I am pretty sure that cold blooded creatures like me cannot hibernate. I perch on my heated rock under a sun-lamp on cold days like these. As I sit there, I dream of hibernation. To be a raccoon or some kind of bear and hibernate all through the winter, only to wake up a couple of times to eat some fish or garbage or whatever it is that animals eat, that would be the life. And that is all that I remember learning about you.
I think it would be cool to tell people that I was hibernating. At work they would say, "How was your day off?" and I would reply, "Oh, you know, I just hibernated, like usual." I think that would really impress people at work. At least more than saying, "Oh, you know, I was just thinking about hibernation." If I had to say that, they would think I was a total loser. (And I am not).
Anyway, I just hate winter and being cold. I am wishing for you, hibernation, but I am not some kind of weird animal...so, it’s just never gonna happen. It’s one of those things I talk about, but will never be able to do. Oh well.
Hibernating is so sciencey,
Emily Illinois
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
I saw my future
Do you ever do something and then think about how doing that same thing will suck when you get old?
Like, every time I flush a toilet in a public bathroom, I use my foot to hit the handle and flush the toilet. No matter how high up the flusher is, I will chorus-line kick myself into a strained muscle to not have to touch the handle or deal with possible splash-up from the water swirling...Every time I do this routine I think to myself, "Way to go Self! You dominated this toilet!" Then I think, "What the fuck am I going to do when I'm all old and unable to maneuver my shit like this?" Then this overwhelming fear/sadness ensues. Right there in some skanky bathroom.
And last night the same thing happened in my own bathroom. But in a slightly different way.
I was getting out of the shower, and every time I get out of the shower I hate to have my wet feet touch the ground in any way. Whether there is a clean towel there or it's just the tiles or whatever. So, I'm standing there contorting myself to try to dry off my feet before I get out of the shower and I'm almost falling over and I realize that there will come a time in my future where I won't be able to behave in this irresponsible, contortive, slippery and dangerous way anymore. And my wet feet will HAVE to touch the ground. There's a metaphor there somewhere. But I'm too lazy.
Like, every time I flush a toilet in a public bathroom, I use my foot to hit the handle and flush the toilet. No matter how high up the flusher is, I will chorus-line kick myself into a strained muscle to not have to touch the handle or deal with possible splash-up from the water swirling...Every time I do this routine I think to myself, "Way to go Self! You dominated this toilet!" Then I think, "What the fuck am I going to do when I'm all old and unable to maneuver my shit like this?" Then this overwhelming fear/sadness ensues. Right there in some skanky bathroom.
And last night the same thing happened in my own bathroom. But in a slightly different way.
I was getting out of the shower, and every time I get out of the shower I hate to have my wet feet touch the ground in any way. Whether there is a clean towel there or it's just the tiles or whatever. So, I'm standing there contorting myself to try to dry off my feet before I get out of the shower and I'm almost falling over and I realize that there will come a time in my future where I won't be able to behave in this irresponsible, contortive, slippery and dangerous way anymore. And my wet feet will HAVE to touch the ground. There's a metaphor there somewhere. But I'm too lazy.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
My fartpartment
When my boyfriend moved in with me he brought something I had never had before: a little dog. Jack is his name, and farting is his game.
Jack is a farting master. He can stink up a room in about ten seconds. Everyday I lay on the couch and pet him, and everyday he farts in my face. And his farts aren't normal, they stink like regular dog poo x10. Probably because we feed him this 'no filler' type of food, but, jeebus his farts stink. And they linger. You might be thinking, 'Why is this girl going on and on about dog-farts?' The answer to that is: this is my life now, it's an everyday thing. AND IT ANNOYS ME! The only way I can deal with it is by knowing that Jack is 12 years old and should be allowed to fart his head off at his old age...
But, there is a "Gas Competition" going on here. For every Jack Fart, my boyfriend matches it with either one fart or about three burps. I'm surprised I'm even able to be alive with all this gas swirling around in here. It's bad. I mean, there will be times that I'm cleaning the kitchen and I'll leave the room to put something away, then when I'm about to go back in, my boyfriend will be standing in front of the kitchen and physically stop me and be all like, 'you can't go in there' and then I'm all like, 'yes I can dude, I'm cleaning the kitchen' and he inevitably says, 'NO. I farted in there!' Then I have to wait forever to finish what I was doing. He says that I have some retarded magical power to need something from where-ever he just farted. I say that it's a small apartment and he just farts everywhere all the time.
And it's not like I don't fart or burp, I totally do, but it's just not a constant stream of smells and loudness every 10 minutes THANKYOUVERYMUCH!
Jack is a farting master. He can stink up a room in about ten seconds. Everyday I lay on the couch and pet him, and everyday he farts in my face. And his farts aren't normal, they stink like regular dog poo x10. Probably because we feed him this 'no filler' type of food, but, jeebus his farts stink. And they linger. You might be thinking, 'Why is this girl going on and on about dog-farts?' The answer to that is: this is my life now, it's an everyday thing. AND IT ANNOYS ME! The only way I can deal with it is by knowing that Jack is 12 years old and should be allowed to fart his head off at his old age...
But, there is a "Gas Competition" going on here. For every Jack Fart, my boyfriend matches it with either one fart or about three burps. I'm surprised I'm even able to be alive with all this gas swirling around in here. It's bad. I mean, there will be times that I'm cleaning the kitchen and I'll leave the room to put something away, then when I'm about to go back in, my boyfriend will be standing in front of the kitchen and physically stop me and be all like, 'you can't go in there' and then I'm all like, 'yes I can dude, I'm cleaning the kitchen' and he inevitably says, 'NO. I farted in there!' Then I have to wait forever to finish what I was doing. He says that I have some retarded magical power to need something from where-ever he just farted. I say that it's a small apartment and he just farts everywhere all the time.
And it's not like I don't fart or burp, I totally do, but it's just not a constant stream of smells and loudness every 10 minutes THANKYOUVERYMUCH!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Just a past conversation
This popped into my head yesterday. It's a conversation that happened between me and my ex probably around a year or so ago. It really makes me appreciate what I have now.
Me: I feel like you never look at me. Do you even notice that I'm here?
Him: Maybe I would pay more attention to you if you had a movie playing on your face.
And yes, that did make me cry.
I'm so glad that whole relationship is dead and over with.
Me: I feel like you never look at me. Do you even notice that I'm here?
Him: Maybe I would pay more attention to you if you had a movie playing on your face.
And yes, that did make me cry.
I'm so glad that whole relationship is dead and over with.
Monday, January 10, 2011
The oldfactory
I smelled something the other day. Something delicious. And the only category I could place that smell in was "Rich-Man's-Wife". Then I was like, well, if that's what a rich man's wife smells like, then what do I smell like? That's when I realized that when I'm not smelling like B.O. and garlic, I usually go for "Stripper-Smell", which is a flowery, perfumey smell. It's fun, it's easy and yes, it's cheap. Oh, you want to know what a rich man's wife smells like, right? Well, the perfume she wears lingers, it's complicated, and the expensiveness of it gets stuck in your nose.
And when I thought about what exactly I would WANT to smell like, I realized that I really prefer "Powerful-Lesbian-Who-Pulls-In-6-Figures"...That's really the one that stands out the most...
There are so many interesting smells. Dare you to notice.
And when I thought about what exactly I would WANT to smell like, I realized that I really prefer "Powerful-Lesbian-Who-Pulls-In-6-Figures"...That's really the one that stands out the most...
There are so many interesting smells. Dare you to notice.
Friday, January 7, 2011
A simple trip
My mom came to visit me recently. Here is the phone conversation after she got on the train to come see me:
Mom: Hi Honey! It's so funny! That guy who takes your money...Um...In the hat!...
Me: The conductor, mom?
Mom: Yeah! Ha! He asked me which stop I was getting off at and I suddenly couldn't remember! I'm such a scatter-brain! He said that he would just come back! Isn't that funny?
Me: Oh. Jeeze. I can't believe you don't know which stop to get off at...Did you write it down--
Mom: I'm going to have to run to the bathroom in a minute here...
Me: Okay, just make sure you bring your bags in the bathroom with you.
Mom: Why? They're heavy.
Me: Because--you don't want anyone to steal them. You're not being serious right?
Mom: Nobody'd want these heavy bags! Besides they'd feel really bad because there's a book of bible verses in there.
Me: They probably wouldn't care about the bible if they're already stealing...Seriously...Listen, just don't leave your bags alone. Okay?
Mom: DID I TELL YOU THAT I JUST GOT A BRAND NEW IPOD?
Me: Are you being serious? Are you having this conversation on the phone on the train? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? Is this conversation really happening?! SERIOUSLY?!
Don't worry kids. Things got better as time went on. My freakout slowly dwindled, kind of...Wish you were here! HA HA ha ha ha!
Mom: Hi Honey! It's so funny! That guy who takes your money...Um...In the hat!...
Me: The conductor, mom?
Mom: Yeah! Ha! He asked me which stop I was getting off at and I suddenly couldn't remember! I'm such a scatter-brain! He said that he would just come back! Isn't that funny?
Me: Oh. Jeeze. I can't believe you don't know which stop to get off at...Did you write it down--
Mom: I'm going to have to run to the bathroom in a minute here...
Me: Okay, just make sure you bring your bags in the bathroom with you.
Mom: Why? They're heavy.
Me: Because--you don't want anyone to steal them. You're not being serious right?
Mom: Nobody'd want these heavy bags! Besides they'd feel really bad because there's a book of bible verses in there.
Me: They probably wouldn't care about the bible if they're already stealing...Seriously...Listen, just don't leave your bags alone. Okay?
Mom: DID I TELL YOU THAT I JUST GOT A BRAND NEW IPOD?
Me: Are you being serious? Are you having this conversation on the phone on the train? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? Is this conversation really happening?! SERIOUSLY?!
Don't worry kids. Things got better as time went on. My freakout slowly dwindled, kind of...Wish you were here! HA HA ha ha ha!
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