Happy Birthday America!

I find it ironic that on today, of all days, INDEPENDENCE DAY, I was smoking PARLIAMENT lights. I never smoke those, technically, I shouldn't even be smoking because it turns me into a terrible person, and a terribly sick person, but I do anyway. My point, is that I'm a good god-damned American who smokes patriotic AMERICAN SPIRIT cigarettes. American Spirits make me cough less, I know it makes me sound insane, but it's true, and now I'm hacking up a lung because someone had to go buy some Parliaments on the Fourth of God-Damned July.

Next year I plan on not smoking at all and planting like a hundred apple trees in honor of our first pilgrim, Johnny Appleseed. You're welcome future Fourth of July!