Trick(s) and tip(s) to being a classy(ish?) fucking lady

I know about a total of (1) trick(s) to doing makeup. I will share it with you. If you put on mascara and happen to blink or a spider makes you jump or some shit and you get it (mascara) on your skin DON'T try to wipe it off. Instead, wait a minute for it to dry and take a Q-tip, and it will wipe right off. I shit you not. Seriously. Next time, do it. The only thing you have to remember about this helpful hint is to (1) LET IT DRY. And (2) HAVE Q-TIPS. Boom. You're a real woman now.

And on the subject of being a "woman" (which for the record, I don't identify with at all [but that's a different subject for another blog post]), I have found an awesome way to trick people into thinking that you sort of care about your appearance...So, let's just say that you are lazy and didn't wash your hair and your front hair OR bangs (call it what you will), are greasy. Well just take a simple bobby pin and twist it up a little and pin it. Use a bobby pin that is special in some way if you can, like colored or some shit, it will add interest and detract from your greasy-ass hair. THEN put on some earrings. (This only works if you have your ears pierced or own clip-on's [ARE YOU 102 YEARS OLD?]). Anyway, put some fucking big-ass/flashy earrings on and everyone will be all like, 'Oh, you look so nice today!'.

I'm not kidding. Try it if you don't believe me.

It sounds too good to be true, but it's not. I'm giving you the fucking key here.

This is almost everything I know about being female.