I like the rainbows...mainly because it's 'full on'...

watch this first...







watch this second...

Friday night: a night to remember

So, my little brother had a facebook status update. Then some kid born in 1994 started in with the rape jokes, which offended me. I am the only one allowed to make rape jokes, mainly because I hate rape so much! I'm sarcastic about it, which shows the general reader how very much against rape I happen to be.

As you can see, as I start to lose my cool, my awesome boyfriend comes in to save the day.

I'm still not sure if we're going to heaven or hell for this one, but since I don't believe in either, I guess I shouldn't worry too much.

Click on the images to make them BIGGER. Internet wars are lame. But lameness never stopped me from anything before.

(also, I apologize for the sloppy pics. I'm not good at MS paint. [or anything else for that matter])

A recipe for disaster: a lesson for the boys

PREFACE: I'M NOT MAD/CRAZY/INSANE

The other day I left work early because I thought I was going to barf. Then I got home and had major diarrhea (whatevs, I can admit it). Then I took a shower and then took a nap.

Now, follow me on this one, my boyfriend's sister was visiting and he wanted to borrow a bike for her to use. One of his friends came through. She happened to be a former stripper. She was going to drop the bike off at our apartment. I had never met her...

Sooooooooooooooo. I woke up from my nap. To girls giggling in my living room. Then I was all like, oh yeah, that girl is dropping off that bike. Then I was like, oh yeah, she is probably super hot because of her old job and stuff. Meanwhile, I looked like total crap because I went to sleep with wet hair and diarrhea and was wearing stupid sleeping clothes consisting of shorts un-hemmed on one side, and some lame shirt. So, I'm laying there for five minutes trying to figure out a way to come out of the bedroom and not seem like an ass. And all I can think is: I'm not going to even be looking close to my 'personal best' in front of a hot ex-stripper, and I had DIARRHEA today, I suck.

Yeah, so I was just like, 'fuck it', came out of the room, was all like 'hi', and they were like, 'Sorry you're sick' and I was all like 'you have NO IDEA'. Just kidding, I was like, 'thanks, I feel better.' And they WERE SUPER HOT. And POTENTIALLY BI-SEXUAL. That seems like a super-threat for some reason...Then they left. So, I think I failed in trying to not seem like a snizz. But I wasn't mad or being a B. I was just feeling weird and mud-butty. In fact, I would like to pick her brain someday.

But anyway boys, it is probably not a good idea to have your super-hot ex-stripper friend and her (potential girl-) friend, who is also super hot, giggling at everything you say, as your sick girlfriend sleeps in the other room...Especially if she is insecure (which I am). But, I found the whole situation more hilarious than anything else. Still though, really, probably not a good idea. Unless your girlfriend loves to write stupid shit on a blog no one reads, then it is probably a good idea. Kind of.

Tooth fail

So, today I got the permanent cap on my stupid root canal. I had a temporary on for two months and it was kind of hurting and freaking me out. I like to say things like, "tell me the TOOTH" and, "you can't handle the TOOTH" when I'm having work done on my teeth. Mainly, because I have teeth on the brain (not literally of course...[I hope]). I was thinking really hard about how I could make one of those sentences into an entire blog when my mind started wandering and thinking about how retarded my stupid teeth can be and what a pain in the ass they sometimes are; like when they crack in half when I'm simply trying to eat a bagel sandwich, or hurt when I get too much sugar in them and stuff.

Then I had an epiphany.

A fucked up tooth is kinda like a bad teenager. Like if I was a bad parent (which I won't be), and my kid was all into shit, rotten shit, so to speak. Then my neglect of said teenager/child caused me to have to spend a ton of money to get them on the right track again even though he would never be the same nice, naturally pleasing person, he would have a tough exterior which looks like everyone else, but underneath he's gonna be all fucked up.

So, yeah, I learned a lot today. Like about parenting, from having a fucked up tooth. Also I'm kinda drunk. Don't hate.

In which the murderee becomes the murderer

This little fucker got onto my ceiling today somehow.

(Can you see that my eyes are all fucked up? Because I barely can...)

I tried to ignore it, thinking it was a moth or some shit, but then I realized it was way too long and skinny to be a moth. Then I thought it was a bee. But it wasn't. Then I thought it was a hornet. But it wasn't. In fact I have no idea what kind of creature it was. It could fly. It was watching me. I needed to take a shower but he was blocking my way to the bathroom. I threw a shoe at him. Then I threw another shoe. Then a newspaper. He didn't even flinch. He was some kind of trained combat soldier terrorist insect. Fuck that shit. So I tried to wake up my boyfriend. But he told me to "...just come in here and sleep..." NO WAY! The second I turn my back on that little infiltrating asshole is the minute he flies into my glorious hair, or hides in my purse or on the bottom of the doorknob, or in my shoe or some shit. I'M NOT STUPID!

So, then I'm like FINE I'm a fucking feminist. I can fucking handle this. I don't need a GD man to go around killing giant freak bugs for me. I'll do it my god-damned self! So IRONICALLY I pulled out the vacuum.

Now, I'm smart enough to know that with both my hands on the vacuum I was leaving myself open to attack. But honestly I really felt like it was my only hope. All of my other implements were on the other side of the room, BEHIND the giant freak...my broom, my joke flyswatter, my spray bleach, my shoes...Oh the longing...So, up goes the vacuum hose and--

TING

PING

PING

That little fucker didn't even move. He seriously thought he was stronger than a vacuum. I let the thing run for like 5 minutes before I turned it off. I don't need to deal with any giant bugs wedged in the hose, crawling out and nesting in my ear or some shit. Anyway, I tried to get a gander at him through the clear dust-holder on the vacuum, but he's hiding. That little shit.

Moral of this story: Time to get new glasses. And I'm FUCKING brave. And I still scream like a 50 year old man...

Humor, wha?

So, the thing about humor is...Well, the happier you are, the less funny you are...I think. That seems to be the problem anyway. Like, all comedians are miserable, right? About their lives or something...But they are fucking hilarious. The more stressed out they are the more funny they are, because humor comes from the brink of shit.

And that's my problem. I'm too happy. Things are going too well. I'm trying to find something to be stressed about, but there is nothing. Like the stuff I could pick to flip my shit is so lame I could barf; "Oh, man, the coffee at 7-Eleven SUCKS!", or "My deodorant is MOSTLY working!", "I only have SOME delicious food!", "I'm getting SO MANY hours at work, my paycheck will be BIG!", "My boyfriend says things (after reading this over my shoulder) like, 'Sorry I fucked the funny out of you, SORRY!' " And it's true. I'm gonna be so not mad.

Hilarity. Oh well.

When I brush and floss

Every time that that I floss my teeth...Okay, let me start over. Sometimes, when I floss my teeth my gums bleed a little. Then I spit out that bloody spit and I think to myself, "This is the closest I will ever get to knowing what a prize-fighting boxer feels like."

Learn

A little advice about paying

A few weeks ago I was at a gas station in my hometown buying Certs because I love them and I can't find them in Chicago. I walked up to pay as some dude was walking out the door. The cashier was staring at this guy then looks at me and says, "Fucking ASSHOLES who throw their money on the counter! I FUCKING HATE these assholes who can't just hand their money, they just FUCKING THROW IT DOWN!" She then proceeded to give the biggest eye-roll that I've ever seen, growl, drop a couple more f-bombs, then says; "Hi Honey, how you doin' today?"

So OF COURSE I said, "I'm doing fine. And I fucking hate when people throw their money down too. When I hand them their change I set it in front of them. They OBVIOUSLY don't want to touch my hands for some reason."

I keep my hands pretty clean and that cashier had clean hands too. So, I don't think it's us. People who just throw their money down for me to pick up are rude. And I am against people being rude.

Oh what? I have a bike?!

My boyfriend just bought me a bike. And if you knew me, you would know that I have avoided biking in Chicago because I don't want to get hit by a car and die. So, this is a big deal. Also, the bike he got for me is ridiculous, not because it's a bad bike or anything, but because it's so girlie.

So, it's this hot little number. Pink and grey. 10 speed. Huffy. I like it.

I think it's hilarious that a foul-mouthed asshole like myself is riding around on a little sweetheart bike. Every girl should have one feminine thing at least.

So, guess where I took my first bike ride to? Dunkin Donuts--for coffee and a BACON breakfast sandwich! When I said this was going to be a good summer, I didn't know it was going to be this good!

Cars better look out, cuz I'm not fucking around out there. You can tell them I said that.

BACON! aka: The Gateway Meat

After being a full-on vegetarian for eight years and a partial vegetarian for five years before that, I have found my way back to meat. What caused me to change my eating habits? BACON! (And a seriously profound craving for meat over the course of the past couple of years).

I still feel bad about it (I never said that I wasn't eating meat because it didn't taste good), but it's pretty cool to rediscover all the new things I can eat. And I can be choosey...I used to, in my day, eat any type of meat if it was around. But, now I know that I don't like sausage that much, so guess what? I'M NOT EATING IT. Yeah, that's right. But I will eat bacon. On everything. At any chance I get. BACON, BACON, BACON!!!

I was never pushy about others becoming vegetarians, and I still think people should eat less meat (or no meat) generally speaking...But vegans? Ugh, give me a break. Never liked those motherfuckers too much...Never met a vegan that wasn't religiously trying to convert everyone and demanding everyone else to cater to their self-imposed dietary restrictions...Sorry vegans, but it's true. Well, I'm sure they're not ALL zealots, but...they kinda are...

BACON!

A normal time at the local 7-Eleven

I just walked to my 7-Eleven to buy some smokes and what did I do, you ask? Well, I managed to knock over a stack of pamphlets onto the floor and dump the take-a-penny tray--all while pressing the wrong buttons on the credit card machine. After I got outside and lit up a smoke, I dropped it into my unopened umbrella. The cigarette then fell onto the wet sidewalk. Don't worry, I still smoked it. I'm hardcore like that.

My new favorite singer!

This is Katie Lee on the album, "Songs of Couch and Consultation", and it's the best thing I've heard in a while. ENJOY! (And try to ignore the lame graphics...)

If Only Everyone Could Be SOOOO Lucky

A very dear friend of mine recently asked, "Are you happy?" I replied, "Why, yes, yes indeed I actually am." To which she responded, "Good, because I only want two things for my friends; for them to be happy and for all their exes to DIE."

Although, if everyone's exes left the country, that's pretty much like being dead. I'd settle for that one too.

This is the WORST!

Ever since my boyfriend showed me this stupid thing, I can't get it out of my head. When I turn on a light switch I'm half expecting this freak to jump on my g.d. hand. EW.

Great. Now I'm not going to even want to look at my own blog.

These Are a Few of My Many Smells

Remote: You smell like beer and cigarettes, you smell like a bar.

I *know* he thinks it's hot...

My Favorite Piece of Shit Joke

I don't know why it always makes me laugh. Probably because there are so many levels to it with which I disagree. And it was told to me in sincerity...

Why did god give women yeast infections?

So they could know what it's like to live with an irritated cunt too.

Mop Bucket List! (dedicated to Mary C. [with love!])

1. Throw all the kids carts in the baler (CRUSHER!!!)

2. Use wine to mop up spills!

3. Eat all the samples and drink ALL the juice!

4. Reverse face all sections (labels in bitches!)

5. Ask customers if THEY can help ME!

A Day in the Life

Remote: You smell like pickles and cigarettes.

Me: I know you meant that I smell like a woman.

maybe i should go walk in the goddamn street

The FUCK Chicago?! Every time I walk down my street, some douche-lord is riding their bike on the goddamn sidewalk. It was mildly irritating the first few times, but now, it just pisses me the FUCK OFF. I can't even count how many times some asshat has almost ran me down from behind. Fine, if you're under 17 and ride on the sidewalk, but grown fucking men can navigate on the fucking street. I'd be safer on the road, walking next to traffic and goddamn parked cars. I'm walking and therefore the goddamn most important person. I don't care if that makes me PEDESTRIAN. I want to carry a stick and samurai-sword that shit in these goddamn motherfuckers goddamn spokes. Bitch.