Thursday, July 28, 2011

Trick(s) and tip(s) to being a classy(ish?) fucking lady

I know about a total of (1) trick(s) to doing makeup. I will share it with you. If you put on mascara and happen to blink or a spider makes you jump or some shit and you get it (mascara) on your skin DON'T try to wipe it off. Instead, wait a minute for it to dry and take a Q-tip, and it will wipe right off. I shit you not. Seriously. Next time, do it. The only thing you have to remember about this helpful hint is to (1) LET IT DRY. And (2) HAVE Q-TIPS. Boom. You're a real woman now.

And on the subject of being a "woman" (which for the record, I don't identify with at all [but that's a different subject for another blog post]), I have found an awesome way to trick people into thinking that you sort of care about your appearance...So, let's just say that you are lazy and didn't wash your hair and your front hair OR bangs (call it what you will), are greasy. Well just take a simple bobby pin and twist it up a little and pin it. Use a bobby pin that is special in some way if you can, like colored or some shit, it will add interest and detract from your greasy-ass hair. THEN put on some earrings. (This only works if you have your ears pierced or own clip-on's [ARE YOU 102 YEARS OLD?]). Anyway, put some fucking big-ass/flashy earrings on and everyone will be all like, 'Oh, you look so nice today!'.

I'm not kidding. Try it if you don't believe me.
It sounds too good to be true, but it's not. I'm giving you the fucking key here.
This is almost everything I know about being female.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

I don't have a mullet and a shitty face

AHA HA HA HA HA! It's that rare time of never when I actually feel good about myself. Sometimes just seeing a picture of someone is enough to do the job. Right now it's really good to be me. SERIOUSLY. Oh Google, how I love you sometimes.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The biggest little lip-rip

The last two movies I've gotten from Netflix have been really good. I watched Black Swan, finally, and though I thought I would hate it and find it gratuitous, I actually found it to be really intense and fascinating. I was leaning in toward the screen for the last twenty minutes of that movie. And tonight I watched 127 Hours, which I was afraid I would find boring, but decided to go with it because I have been in love with Desario for about 11 years...Yeah, it was a really anxiety ridden movie, but just seeing him smile...ahhhh. I really urge you to check it out.

Then I was outside smoking after I watched 127 Hours, and I pulled a drag off my smoke...and that thing happened where if your lip is wet and the cigarette is dry, you can accidentally rip the skin off your lip? Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, that happened to me and it was the biggest little lip-rip that's ever occurred. And I really felt, through all that pain, like I could relate to James Franco's character. Almost exactly the same.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy Birthday America!

I find it ironic that on today, of all days, INDEPENDENCE DAY, I was smoking PARLIAMENT lights. I never smoke those, technically, I shouldn't even be smoking because it turns me into a terrible person, and a terribly sick person, but I do anyway. My point, is that I'm a good god-damned American who smokes patriotic AMERICAN SPIRIT cigarettes. American Spirits make me cough less, I know it makes me sound insane, but it's true, and now I'm hacking up a lung because someone had to go buy some Parliaments on the Fourth of God-Damned July.

Next year I plan on not smoking at all and planting like a hundred apple trees in honor of our first pilgrim, Johnny Appleseed. You're welcome future Fourth of July!