My next tattoo

I want to get a tattoo on my upper chest that says "not welcome". That way when people start bugging me or pissing me off, I can just pull down the collar of my shirt a little and say, "You see this?! It means NOT WELCOME!"

Visually, it would be stunning.

Advice from my mom:

Me: I'm going to hangout with one of my friends probably.

Mom: Is it a guy?

Me: Yeah.

Mom: He better not be making a booty-call.

Me: WHAT? No, Mom, he is not making a booty-call.

Mom: Good. Because that's not allowed. You can't have guys making booty-calls on you.

Me: OHMYGOD. Mom. What if I make a booty-call? Is that allowed?

Mom: Yeah. That's fine. You can make the booty-calls. You should hang a cow over your bed too.

Me: What are you talking about 'hang a cow over my bed'?

Mom: It will remind them that the milk isn't for free.

The Infamous Sandwich Texts

I only did one cool thing over the course of my recent break-up. In a moment of weakness I sent a text that I instantly regretted, which spurred The Infamous Sandwich Texts. This is a transcription of the only thing I did during that whole pile of shit that's actually worth talking about. YOU'RE FINALLY WELCOME. (and I was actually starving. so.)

Completely one-sided and all me:

11:26pm

Come over. I miss you.

Eh. Never mind. Moment of weakness. I have a sandwich here that promised me that it wouldn't lie to me and try to ruin my life.

12.39am

But seriously. I could use a sandwich.

No whole grain mustard tho cuz that shits for yuppies.

I don't want to be your friend. I'm just trying to get a sandwich out of you.

I have to admit to you that throughout this relationship I've been using you for sandwiches and ice cream. I'm a fucking asshole.

But seriously. Where the fuck is my sandwich?

2:04am

I will settle for pizza, but I won't be happy.

You could compromise with a pizza sandwich. If there's a meatball on there tho, you're a dead man.

2:15am

And don't bother with chips. That shits for losers.

Unless we are talking British 'chips'. In which case--bring it.

A salami sandwich would be fine. No Swiss tho. Cuz it smells like feet and mice made the holes.

Sometimes you don't appreciate the sandwich you ate at 11:30 and you need another one. WITHOUT MEATBALLS plz.

2:31am

I'm starting to feel like I should've started this whole thing off with: I'm going to kill myself if I don't get a sandwich. I would have gotten better results.

*some people* think they don't owe anyone an early morning sandwich. And that's a Sad Fucking Fact in this country.

Even a homemade sandwich would be fine it it was poison free. I don't know what your problem is.

You know what kind of sandwiches I like. I don't know what's so hard about this.

I'm really surprised that you're such a sandwich republican. It's a fucking weird side to take if you ask me.

I'm just saying that if you happened to come across a sandwich, I could use one. I remembered you to be a lot more giving when it comes to sandwiches.

2:46.am

I want to make a sandwich Hitler joke but I don't want to get in trouble.

I wouldn't beg you for a sandwich. But I would say, 'give me a sandwich'. Just so we're clear here.

Just a warning: sandwich cookies are not actual sandwiches. I'm not fucking around here.

I don't know when you started being all anti-sandwich. I warn you that you WILL lose friends over it. But no one ever listens to me.