Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I hate the bus

I hate the bus so much. So, so much.

Yesterday I was on the bus and the windows had condensation on them. I was watching this kid wiping the condensation off the window, then I realized that he was doing it with a used band-aid. I almost threw up all over the place. Where was his parent? Sitting right there, not caring.

I have made a new promise to myself that the next time I need to get up/sit down on the bus or train and the person in the aisle seat doesn't get up, but just swivels over so that I have to squeeze into the window seat, that I am going fart right in their face. My ass is at their face level, and they are being rude. So, they get a fart from me to show how equally rude I can be. I'm so sick of the lowest of the low, grossies and jerks, on public transportation.

Luckily I'm getting a bike this week so I can avoid the turds for the next couple of months. But, seriously, the jerks on public transportation test my patience. And I am failing the test. Failing with a saved up fart. So, watch out Chicago.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Spider germz

So. How many germs does a spider have on it? Because I smoked a re-fry that a spider walked on...Also, this is still not the grossest thing I've done to get some nicotine in me...

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

In which children don't get movie references

The other day two ten-ish year-old girls came through my line. They were buying milk, eggs and fabric softener. HA! No, actually they were buying various things that kids normally don't buy. Like milk and other shit. Anyway, I didn't see a parent around or anything and they had a $20 bill, and since their total was more than $20, they had to take a couple of things off...No big deal...So I ring them up, give them their change then lean in and ask them, "So, you guys, you're not in some type of Home Alone situation where your parents went on vacation and forgot to bring you with, right?" So then these girls just narrow their eyes, look at me and say, "Our parents...are at... HOME". And that's when I realize that they probably didn't get the reference and I was coming off like a creeper. But I still think their parents went on vacation and forgot them at home. For the record.

Friday, September 2, 2011



And then I fell in love with my gynecologist...

So on top of an already horrible and awkward couple of weeks, I decided to go get my clean bill of health, and I put in a rush order for it. Mostly for peace of mind (I have no idea how far the lies went), but also because I felt like being proactive should be a new goal for me, and mainly because makin' the rounds, and getting the STD/STI (what do the kids call it these days?) tests is some sort of marker.

So...yay for me.

Basically, they had to fit me in with some doctor that I'd never seen before, which is fine, but I've never seen a dude gynecologist, so I was a little like '...okay...I guess...', in the end, I wanted to get this stuff out of the way fast and if the price I had to pay was some dude poking around down there, well, it's not like that's never happened before. So, like so many things in life, I went for it.

So, I'm sitting in the room, in a gown made for a 600 lb man, wrapped up like a giant burrito, looking like a major turd (don't worry kids I did take a shower, I'm not that bad), expecting some old doctorly looking dude to walk in, and WTF kids, this talldarkandhandsome, age appropriate, not-too-professional, guy walks in and I'm just like, "SERIOUSLY?! UGH. Can things get any worse? Why can't he be weird or uggo or old or SOMETHING?!"

I gave myself about 1.5 seconds to wrap my mind around it. More than anything else at the gynecologist, you just end up being uncomfortable and embarrassed, and if you're me, then you say about 10 stupid things about nothing and act like a freak, don't worry, I didn't disappoint. For instance I started out one sentence with "Can I just be frank and kind of gross?" Which made him laugh...IMADEHIMLAUGH, IMADEHIMLAUGH, IMADEHIMLAUGH! +1 for meeeeeee!

Do you think he at least wants to be friends? JK. I don't have time for that shit.