Adventure girl makes a mess

I've been off the charts with shenanigans lately. And since I'm a storyteller, I'll divulge...

A friend of mine invited me to go see a double feature and the movies seemed swank, so I was like, 'Hell yeah! I'll bring the wine!' My friend brought the food, and we proceeded to drink one bottle during the first movie...We sneaked, we laughed, we drank, it was good.

The second movie started and I was all excited, because it was the main movie that I wanted to see. The opening credits rolled, I pulled the second bottle of wine out of my bag, fun size twix in my mouth, things couldn't be better...Until, the full, unopened bottle of red wine slowly slipped from my fingers and completely shattered on the floor of the movie theater...

I lean over to my friend, "We have to fucking go. Now. Now. We have to go. Let's go. We need to get the fuck out of here." My friend asks, "...was that the empty bottle...?" Me, "No. Can't you smell it? Shit. Let's. Go."

As the 30 other people in the theater begin to ascertain which idiot broke glass during the movie, we make a plan to bolt in ten minutes. During that time frame, I pull a $5 bill out of my bag and write "sorry" on it about 10 times, then place it on top of the broken wine bottle. It's called 'doing the wrong thing the right way'. I only wish I could have dropped a $20...

I go to the bathroom. A few minutes later my friend meets me in the lobby. Drunk, I use my best straight face as I loudly fake a phone call in the silent lobby, "WHAT?! When? Is it serious? The HOSPITAL? No, I'm at the theater, I'm leaving right now. Which hospital? I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Bye." We walk out with serious, studious expressions on our faces...

They'll never suspect me...

It's called 'saving face'. Also, these kinds of things are just becoming a normal weeknight for me...

Lesson, not learned.

Poor decision making...

Recently I've developed the habit of going out and getting all crazy on my 'Fridays'. This may involve bars, karaoke, house parties, having people over or staying out all night. I usually just wait to see what the night brings...I am burning the candle at both ends. And what a delightful light it brings...But in the midst of this chaos, I am also dutifully seeing my therapist, so that I stay on track with my real-life shit. Which brings me to my story...

I make my therapist appointments for my day off...And on my day off, I usually seem to be recovering from severe partying. So, I biked to my therapists office with a hangover to beat all. Why did I bike there? I have no fucking idea. I like to think I was still drunk at 4pm. Maybe...So, I have my water, and I tell her, "Just so you know, I don't feel well. Too much last night, toooooo muuuuccchhh." I blabber on for about 20 minutes and suddenly I'm like, 'shit. imma barf in here.' I stand up, freaking out, and I'm like, "Where's the bathroom?" She tells me and I'm running down the hall hiccup-barfing...I make it to the bathroom without much incident and proceed to violate the toilet...After a few minutes in the bathroom I try to make myself look 'presentable' which only involves me staring at my reflection in the mirror, then undoing my hair to cover the water/barf? splatter on my shirt. You better believe that I'm a classy fucking lady, potential barf splatters don't fly in my book.

So, how did I preserve my upstanding reputation? With a joke of course. I sauntered right back into that room and I was like " WOW! I feel SO much BETTER!" I'm okay with it. I'm paying her not to judge me.

(But seriously, lesson learned).

Life goals and shit

I'm not very good with the follow through of life goals. Except one, that I've been following through with for most of my life. That life goal is to never get stung by a bee again. I realized today that the last time I got stung by a bee, I was probably in fifth grade, and I was like 'never again assholes', or probably more like 'never again stupid jerks'. (I didn't develop a foul mouth until about 4 years later). But I've actively been on the watch for bees ever since. I heard that bees are dying out. That doesn't make me feel that bad because I think bees are little monsters. I even had a giant bee on my foot this summer, which made me not go outside for about 3 weeks, but it didn't sting me. So. I fucking win.

I'm going to bee really pissed if I get stung now that I've written this though. I hate jinxing myself, but as a warning to the world, bees get all fucking crazy in the fall cuz they know that they're going to die after the frost. So, everyone beeware.