Friday, October 29, 2010

A Note for the Ladies

Hey girls. Let's all just promise each other to stop saying that a vagina is like a 'self-cleaning oven'. Because it's not. It's like a vagina. It's been in use for hundreds of thousands of years. Doing what it does. Taking care of itself. Oven's haven't even been around for that long.

Maybe ovens are like a vagina? Just putting that out there...

But seriously, vagina's are like vagina's and they do what they do. Whether or not it is 'self cleaning' is really up to the owner, but comparing a vagina to an oven really sets women back (into the kitchen, bitches) in some small way. And annoys the shit out of me.

Let's say that a vagina is like a ninja, or a renegade, or a one-man-band, or a FUCKING VAGINA. A vagina stands alone motherfuckers.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Thanks for nothing, meat.

Now that I've started eating meat again I have noticed at least one change: my nails grow faster and are stronger than ever.

I like the stronger part. But I hate cutting my nails. I used to have to cut them like, once a month (I like to keep 'em short), but now I'm cutting them every week and that's even after I put it off...This is some annoying shit. I guess that means that I'm healthier, but I feel like a dumbass, I keep poking shit and scratching shit accidentally. I'm like an idiot who never had nails before.

Long nails make me want to barf. But cutting them takes out of my drinking/eating/interneting time. I know what I have to do. But I will probably put it off for another day.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Hey, motherfucking squirrels!

About a year after I moved into my apartment I accidentally left my back door open and a squirrel ran into my apartment. My landlord and I spent ten panic-filled minutes chasing it around with brooms until it somehow ran back outside.

Still, I didn't hate the squirrels. I just hated myself. Until this summer.

This summer was different. This summer my backyard was full of insane, half-tame squirrels. City Squirrels. They get too close. They have no Shame.

They live in my upstairs neighbors potted plants, harassing her, making her fear to leave her apartment. When I'm in my yard, they come right up to me. One fucking foot away. I hiss. I stomp. I charge. They still come back. WHAT THE FUCK?! Right?

So, this coming spring I have a plan.

This spring, I am going to buy a fucking squirt gun. Super Soaker style. And every time I'm outside I'm going to spray them. I bet they'll learn fast to stay THE FUCK away. I'll train them how to be feral again, and at the same time, improve my aim. Really, it's a win-win situation and no one gets hurt.

I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

People are stupid, probably.

One of my friends thinks that some skank her ex is/was with, will come into her work. I told her not to worry because she has a knife on her at all times (part of her job), and that anyone with half a brain would be smart enough to stay away.

Usually people are not that smart though.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

A promise to my future children (but not yours):

I spend a lot of time thinking about my Future Children. I mean A LOT. I hope they will someday realize this and understand that even though they will technically be 'unplanned pregnancies', they were actually thought about very much, even before they were a twinkle in their fathers eye. I don't know if that kinda makes them sort of planned, but WHATEVER.

So, I have a lot of bad habits.

I mean like, a lot.

And one of them consists of eating TONS of ramen noodles. This is probably one of the least bad, of my bad habits. I justify the salt consumption by never drinking the 'broth'. Seriously. I don't drink used hot juices...GROSS. Or used cereal milk for that matter (but that's a blog for a different day).

I'm dumb enough to binge on ramen noodles. And I'm really into 'instant' gratification (PUN!!!), so, basically, I can't stop. But I'm also smart enough to realize, very clearly, that ramen noodles are fucking bad for you (me), and probably shouldn't even exist for consumption.

So, this is my promise to my future children: I will probably, in secret, eat ramen noodles. Probably a lot. But you will never eat them. Not until you can go buy them for yourself. And I will tell you that they taste like hot worms taking a bath in salt-water, to discourage you from eating them. Hopefully for your entire life. I will also pretend to like raw celery and carrots to get you to eat them. YOU'RE WELCOME FUTURE CHILDREN!

CLICK HERE-will ya?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I was too late...

I was walking Jackson Corndog today after work, when a little dog came running up out of nowhere and scared the crap out of me and Jack. Sometimes a few people around here, for some stupid reason, walk their dogs without leashes, but I didn't see anyone around.

So, I try to get this dog to follow us. But he just barks. And I'm like 'oh shit I don't know what to do'. So, I'm calling him like a freak and he is just yapping and cars are going by and I'm freaking out. So, I run Jack home, grab his leash off of him, fly back out the door and take off down the sidewalk only to see a car stopped in the middle of the road and a guy standing, looking in front of his car, and I hear a dog yelping.

He's like, 'Do you have a dog?'

I'm like, 'That's not my dog...Did you hit him? Is he okay?'

All I'm thinking is: 'SHIT FUCK. I SHOULD HAVE PICKED THE DOG UP OR I have to look at a dead dog and find some neighbor person and tell them their dog is dead SHIT FUCK'.

Then the guy is like, 'I ALMOST HIT HIM! I was going to take him. Do you want to take him?'

So, this guy has this dog on the floor in the back of his car and I'm trying to get the leash on him when this woman walks over and is all like, 'Do you have my dog?' And we're all like 'Yeah.' And the guy tells her that he almost hit the dog, and the lady just looks at her dog and is like, 'Oh Frankie, you so stupid!'

Then we realize the dog crapped in his back seat.

Then I walked away.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The old man routine?

I was about to ring an older gentleman up for some wine today when he stopped me and asked, "Are you old enough to ring this up?"

I replied, "Oh, indeed, I am more, MORE, than old enough."

And he said, "Then I want what you've been drinking."

I assured him that it was red wine every night and a high salt diet, lots of dark chocolate, lots of swearing, and a loud refusal to act proper and dignified.

I don't know if he believed me or not.

Age is hard on a woman...

Friday, October 8, 2010

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Jackson Corndog

My boyfriend has a dog named Jack, which he (my boyfriend), got drunk a week ago and tried to give me. I told him that he was insane. But what he doesn't know is that I already own at least 3 and a half of his (Jack's) paws; mainly because I take him for walks and buy him treats and let him lick my arm and stuff.

This is Jack:

This is how I see Jack:

Jack also likes to cross his paws all fancy style. My boyfriend says that he "Don't raise no 'mo's" but I like Jack even more for it. I don't like it when he (Jack) sneezes on my face. The end.

Monday, October 4, 2010

The nature of the season

As a kid, I used to be up all night with bloody noses. Hours spent in the bathroom bleeding out.

And every few winters or so, I get to relive it.

Winter has come early this year. And, my bathroom garbage-can looks like a crime scene.

I think I'm probably too old for this...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

In retrospect, I should have locked the door...

This morning I was in the bathroom.
My boyfriend comes running in, no knock (yeah, he usually knocks or SOMETHING).
Then he just starts telling me stuff.
And I'm instantly all like, "DUDE! I'M POOING!"
He just looks at me sitting there AND KEEPS TELLING ME SHIZ!
So, I'm all like, 'okay. i guess we just poo in front of each other now? um...?'
Yeah, I'm not all that comfortable with it either.
Eventually I had to interrupt him and was just like, "Okay, can we talk about this in a few minutes? I'm totally sitting here and WAS pooing when you came in and this is weird..."
I'll admit, I was either too sober, or not drunk enough to handle this whole 'let's talk while you poo' morning.
He, on the other hand, seemed completely unfazed...