About a year after I moved into my apartment I accidentally left my back door open and a squirrel ran into my apartment. My landlord and I spent ten panic-filled minutes chasing it around with brooms until it somehow ran back outside.
Still, I didn't hate the squirrels. I just hated myself. Until this summer.
This summer was different. This summer my backyard was full of insane, half-tame squirrels. City Squirrels. They get too close. They have no Shame.
They live in my upstairs neighbors potted plants, harassing her, making her fear to leave her apartment. When I'm in my yard, they come right up to me. One fucking foot away. I hiss. I stomp. I charge. They still come back. WHAT THE FUCK?! Right?
So, this coming spring I have a plan.
This spring, I am going to buy a fucking squirt gun. Super Soaker style. And every time I'm outside I'm going to spray them. I bet they'll learn fast to stay THE FUCK away. I'll train them how to be feral again, and at the same time, improve my aim. Really, it's a win-win situation and no one gets hurt.
I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.