Friday, December 31, 2010

No, I'm not pregnant

I totally barfed this morning. Probably because of the insane headache I developed overnight. But every time I tell people that I feel 'like I'm gonna barf' or that, in fact, 'I just BARFED' I get really paranoid that they think that I'm pregnant. I'm not pregnant. I just feel like I'm going to barf all the time.

Maybe I feel like people think I'm pregnant when I tell them that I feel pukey, because when other females tell me that they feel vomitous, I infer that they, themselves may, in fact, be pregnant.

It takes one to know one right? And even if I was pregnant, I would make up a lie about it for the first 3 or 4 months, something like, 'I have a migraine' or 'I'm super gassy' or 'I'm winning an eating contest against myself.'

You'll never know. Except for this one time when I tell you, that, no, I am not pregnant. And now I've probably jinxed myself. Thanks for that Self. Asshole.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

My boyfriend gets ready for work:

"I just took you out shit face and you were a dickhead about it too. I'm not your bitch. No pupper, you don't get to go with me. Oh god! Emily! I hope that was him and not you, ugh. Emily, if you don't take him out by the time I go on my break at work, so help me god! So help me god!"

Monday, December 27, 2010

For the new year

So. Every new year everyone is like, 'imma quit smoking. imma quit drinking. imma gonna go on a diet.'

This year, just make it easy on yourself. Just start flossing once in a while. Like, just once a week. It will take you about 30 seconds. A small life change that will benefit you and save you about $1,000 (give or take [in dental bills]) in your life-time.

You'll actually be able to keep this resolution up too. It's barely even a commitment. Buy Glide Tape cuz that's the best dental floss on the market. I'm just trying to help, so don't hate. Your breath might be like 10% better too. So tell your significant other to thank me.

Monday, December 20, 2010

So you think you want to rob me?

Yeah, with it being Christmas-time and all these crazies out and about, I've been trying to be a little more aware about being mugged. But, I'll be honest, I'm never that aware. Mainly because I'm busy trying not to make eye-contact with anyone gross or out of their mind.

But, in the wake of two different customers telling me how they got mugged this week, I decided to take the advice of one and zip my purse up inside my jacket. Now, anyone who knows me in real life, knows that I don't give a snizz about how I look (seriously, if the greasy rat's nest on my head didn't tip you off, then maybe my stank-ass dirty t-shirt would...), but I totally looked pregnant, which wouldn't usually faze me, but then I started thinking about crazy people who attack pregnant women and try to steal their babies and I was like, well, shit, I'm an even BIGGER target now. Like a double target for muggers and baby-stealers. And I could barely sit down AND my bag was making the chapstick in my pocket dig into my leg. Listen, it just wasn't working for me.

So then I decided that I would just carry my cards and license in my inside coat pocket and just try to not usually carry a bag. But I quickly realized how much I still needed my bag for all the garbage I carry from here to there.

Basically now, I have my cards and phone in my pockets and my garbage in my bag and if I get robbed that fucking asshole is going to get some tampons, a few coupons, half a thing of tic-tacs, a menu to my new favorite bagel restaurant, and a mostly filled-in day planner. Oh, and probably the satisfaction of knocking down a short girl and making her pee in her pants.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Broad blanket statements

People who mainly ride bikes to get around Chicago totally suck at public transportation. Sometimes they don't know how much fare is ($2.25) and what transfers cost ($.25) or even how many transfers you get within two hours (2). They are also bad at figuring out how long it will take to get from point A to point B. This leads them to either flip out and have to take a cab OR just be late to wherever they are going (usually to work). They also don't understand that buses don't run all night which leads them to have to take a cab again...

After I stopped riding my bike because it got too cold, I was late to work once. That was dumb. It's amazing that I forgot how much I hated all the jackasses on public transportation. When they're not being slow, rude, annoying or gross, they are being scary or weird. Once in a while someone is being funny, but usually that fits into the 'annoying' category as well. People are nice almost never. You'll probably read a lot on this blog this winter about retards that I see on the bus and train.

On a different note, I bought this hand-soap that totally smells like hairspray. It's grossing me out pretty much constantly and I'm washing my stupid hands more than ever just to get rid of it faster. If you're smart you will take my advice and never ever buy 'Cherry Blossom Softsoap'. Even though it's 99 cents, it's really not worth it. I speak from experience. The 'Black Raspberry Vanilla Softsoap' smells like bunghole too. DON'T DO IT!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Just a little hamburger up in here...

I was talking to one of my friends about how my boyfriend took some junk in the fridge and made something delicious. Just random stuff that I thought would be gross together, stuff that I told him that if he cooked up, I wouldn't eat...leftover hamburger patties, smashed up, cooked and thrown into seasoned tomato sauce and put over pasta. I thought it would be gross, I told her, but it was really good!

To which she replied, 'So, he made a meat sauce with pasta?'


Yeah, being a vegetarian for a zillion years did a little number on me.