Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The Story of Bitchturd B. Hayes

I called my sister to talk recently and a rare gem was born.

The following is the story of Bitchturd B. Hayes...

My sister's son, (who's in fourth grade) came home from school talking about the president he learned about that day. So, she asked him what the president's name was, "BitchURD Hayes," he responds. She tells him that it must be Richard Hayes. He tells her, "NO MOM it's BITCHARD, with a B!!!" She says, "noooo..." and he says "YEESSSSSS!!!" She tells him, "I'll bet you $5 that it isn't Bitchard." He makes the bet.

I stop her at this point of her story because to me, both of them sound wrong, so being the fucker I am, I do a google. Yeah, it's Rutherford B. Hayes..."Continue," I tell her...

She continues...She tells him that he MUST be wrong for TWO reasons. The first reason, (her words), "No parent in their right mind would EVER EVER, name their kid something that sounds like "bitch-TURD" and, AND, the second reason, I at no point in my life, NO POINT, remember laughing at that name in school or making fun of it, so it can't POSSIBLY be the name of a president of the United States."

Yes, these are her reasons of why 'Bitchard' is not the right my nine year-old nephew.

Fuck. I was pissing in my pants at the hilarity of the story, and how sincere she was in telling it.

Two days later my sister calls me. She informs me that Rutherford B. Hayes had someone in his family named "Birchard" but that she doesn't feel like she owes my nephew the $5. Laughing, I tell her to pay up.

Boom. Shit is fucking ridiculous. And that's how Bitchturd was born.

Monday, January 16, 2012

kids say the darndest things

My interaction with a customers kid today:

Me: Hey little guy. Are you having fun today?

Kid: ...yeah...

Me: Cool. Are you going to do anything fun when you get home?

Kid: YEAH! I'm gonna take off ALL my clothes when I get home!!!


Thursday, January 5, 2012

I faint at the sight of blood

You ever hear women who say, "I faint at the sight of blood"? It drives me fucking crazy. I mean, women menstruate, right? Therefore if they faint at the sight of blood, they're going to be constantly passing out every time they change a tampon. I like to imagine them going to the bathroom, seeing blood, passing out, and getting back up, seeing blood, passing out again, over and over and over, on an endless loop. It's fucking ridiculous.