Wednesday, February 23, 2011

God, I love the dollar store...UPDATE

I was at the dollar store by my apartment yesterday. I go there to buy toilet paper, paper towels, and other stupid shit that is cheaper there than at other places...Anyway, I had the spoils of my visit and I was waiting in line to pay and I was vaguely listening to the two employees talk, while ignoring customers, as they rang people up. There were maybe five people in line in front of me, so I got a good earful.

There is one thing you need to know: I work for a major retail establishment completely focused on customer service. I am a fucking customer service expert. And a goddamned amazing conversationalist when I want to be.

So. I'm listening to these two cashiers who are back to back ringing people up (slowly, might I add [I'm a fucking speed-demon at register {not to brag}]), and I must have heard them say "Fuck That Shit" about 5 times. As I get closer I hear this conversation:

Cashier #1: I can't believe that lady yesterday, complaining bout our customer service. Fuck That Shit.

Cashier #2: I KNOW. What an idiot. We're GREAT AT CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Cashier #1: We ARE great at customer service. She was so stupid.

(At this point cashier #2 has a woman step up and smile, to begin the transaction)

Cashier #2 to next customer: WHAT?! Do YOU have SOMETHING to SAY?!

I don't know how well this translates in the written form, over me telling you personally, but it was fucking ridiculous. Basically, the cashier was being confrontational with a CUSTOMER while talking about how much they all FUCKING RULE at customer service at this dollar store. OMFG.

Gotta love Family Dollar. I was so sad that I was alone and didn't have a friend to witness this stupid shit.

I really wanted to tell the bitch with the hickey and the other bitch with a bull-dog underbite that I AM THE ONE WHO FUCKING RULES AT CUSTOMER SERVICE. But I didn't say shit because I didn't want them to jump the counter and beat the shit out of me. And I also have a really good job, while they work at the dollar store. So. You know.

*UPDATE: I was in there the other day and one of the same employees was 'stocking' and TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE! WTF? I want that job. But, not really...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Menstruation just got fun, thanks to U by Kotex...Srsly.

I can't believe that no one had thought of this yet. I mean, I've been menstruating for about seventeen years and it's been pretty monotonous. Bleed, go buy tampons. Bleed, go buy tampons. And on and on and on. But recently I saw some colorful tampons and I instinctively wanted to buy some, but then I reminded myself that the 'cool' tampons were for the kids and not for oldie-moldys like me. (This made me sad, but saved me fucking money [$] in the long-run). But then, I remembered something: I DON'T GIVE A FUCKING SHIT. Seriously, I don't. So I bought some of those motherfuckers and found them to be satisfactory and make me just a little happier to menstruate. And I just can't fucking believe that someone in advertising over the past-how-many-years, didn't say: 'Hey motherfuckers, the ladies want their tampons to look fucking cool.'

It's like I want to get my period now, just to use these cool motherfucking tampons.
Bleed motherfuckers, bleed.

Monday, February 21, 2011

I was on a Pixie-Kick. Sue me.

What I do:

OH SHIT! Remember Snowmageddon 2011?!

I took these pictures, but never put them up...SO HERE THEY ARE!!!

The indoor ones are of the windows in the Solarium of my garden apartment.

And the outdoor ones are from my journey to work on the next day. The one with three piles of snow is ACTUALLY THREE MOTHERFUCKING CARS COMPLETELY COVERED IN SNOW!

Anyway, the thundersnow was pretty kickass.

Please enjoy my historical pictures.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Dear Diary,

Now that I've finally quit smoking so that my future children won't be born addicted to nicotine, I've found that all I do is eat. candy. non-stop. I might have been eating like a fiend before, but at least now I have a reason to tell people. At this point of winter I feel like a huge blob and I look like one too, I'm very excited to start biking again once it's a little warmer.

Holy. Shit.

The above paragraph makes me feel like Doogie Howser, M.D.

F this shiz...Illinois, out!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

To my readers:


And, I really would. XO!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Chinatown = your future presents

I just had a good little look around Chinatown...I only went to a few shops because it was getting late...But I have, in that short amount of time, decided that all the presents that I buy for people in the future will come from Chinatown. Like a giant piggy bank that looks exactly like the little one that I just bought at the thrift store yesterday...So, if you don't want kick-ass presents from Chinatown in the forms of fake food, strange kitchen items and giant piggy banks, you probably shouldn't invite me to your parties anymore. Consider yourself warned.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Deck it/me, either way...

I won't tell you how many decks of cards I already own...But this had IT'S OWN KICK-ASS FAKE WOOD BOX. I don't care if I have a problem. I am having fun.

Deez nuts.

My boyfriend asked what kind of nuts I was going to put in this thing.
I just looked at him.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Watching a living nightmare: Jersey Shore

OH MY GOD. What am I doing?

Apparently I will watch anything if it's easy to stream/watch On Demand...Whatever.

Have you ever watched Jersey Shore? These people are terrible. The females display some of the worst traits that females possess, exaggerated x WTF. And the dudes are so horrible in the most stereotypical x FTL (Fuck Their Lives) kind of way THAT I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I SEE AND HEAR ON THIS SHOW. Seriously.

I feel like a terrible person for watching this. But it's fascinating. These people exist in this backwards retarded universe. I just can't understand how any of them are able to survive. I really think I would blow my brains out if I had to exist for more than two hours in this shit-storm of douche.

And I can't stop watching.
Smack me in my face if I start obsessing about being tan.

The rage

Females, DO NOT do this when writing to my boyfriend:


It makes the anger come out.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My yearly Gilmore Girls episode

About once a year I'll watch The Gilmore Girls. I happened to be watching an episode today. One of the characters did something that may have been wrong, or may have been right, depending on how you look at it (is this not what EVERY episode of The Gilmore Girls is about?) Anyway, when I asked my boyfriend whether or not the character was right or wrong he said, "Either way, I don't give a shit". And now I can't stop laughing. The end.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

THE INFAMOUS: C & C Combo!!!

What is a C & C Combo?

Well. Sometimes you have to buy condoms. And sometimes, for various reasons, that can be awkward. Sometimes you have to ask your partner or your partner has to ask you to buy condoms. And sometimes it just sounds LAME to say, 'Hey, should I get some condoms from wherever or what?' SO instead, I say, 'Hey, should I get a C & C Combo or what?' and then not only do you not sound lame, but you also have a code and you don't have to leave CVS with only condoms. You have to buy something else that starts with a 'C', like Candy or ice Cream or Coca Cola Classic (triple bonus points) or Campbell's Soup or whatever is the weirdest thing you can think of to combine with condoms. It's kind of fun. And you're welcome. I think it's funny to make the cashier blush. But if I think the cashier is looking at me like I'm a slut, well, then, that pretty much sucks. But at least I'm not having illegitimate children left and right (this is how I console myself). xo. Kinda drunk right now. Sorry, but enjoy anyway.