Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Yeah, we work

my boyfriend: Emily...I don't know how you'll feel about this...but I think...I want to start wearing spandex...

me: Uh...what...why?

my boyfriend: For biking. It would be easier on my taint!

what I should have said: Tell that to your balls!

what I did say: Ummm...?

Monday, September 27, 2010


A couple months ago my sister told me that her boyfriend LOVED going to Costco. When I found this out I was overjoyed. I was like 'SWEET! Now I can have like a years worth of tampons for the cost of like six months worth of tampons!' (Or that is what I thought because I've never been in a Costco and I have no idea what the prices are like...but I imagine that the prices rule.) So, I was all like, 'Tell him to buy me a YEAR'S WORTH OF TAMPONS!'

She said he wouldn't because he doesn't even buy her tampons at a regular store. Fuck that shit. If your boyfriend won't even buy you tampons, then you might as well just get pregnant. (kidding [or am I?])

I hate running out of bathroom stuff. I hate buying tampons (because I only ever buy a month's supply), I hate running out of toilet paper, I hate running out of toothpaste...blah blah blah. You know, because I assume you feel the same way.

So, today I went to the dollar store to buy some tampons, the cheapest kind, because I feel like they should be free, because dudes don't have to spend shit on shit for their hygiene if they don't feel like it...And I bought a lot of cheap-ass tampons, and if the string breaks off, I'll flip my shit because that's never happened before, but I could totally handle it, but it would be lame, and I would write a very graphic letter to Femtex explaining what happened...BUT I DIGRESS!

The point is; that when I was reading the stupid insert about TSS on these cheap-ass tampons,(because, for some reason, I always do, and I also want to see how the diagram portrays a vagina/uterus) I discovered that they measure the absorption rate of the tampons with something called a "SYNGYNA test". WTF?!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Oh, food...

So, at my birthday party all I was trying to do was eat a delicious Chicken Chili Verde Burrito from Trader Joe's...It sounds so simple right? I hunker down, cut a piece (yes, I CUT burritos [Taco Bell taught me that food spills out of burritos {and I don't fuck with food stained shirts anymore}]). I put that first delicious bite in my mouth, and FUCK ME, I bit down on my lip piercing with my canine tooth hard enough to take out a huge chunk of tooth.

I mean, it's not that HUGE. I really have to point it out to people when I show them. And I show EVERYONE. Even strangers. I'm all like, look what I did to myself on my BIRTHDAY! Yeah, that's gonna cost a couple hundred dollars to fix.

And the worst part? I had to spit out that first burrito bite, because it was all full of tooth. Anyway, my lip piercing is dead to me. Forever. I'm done with that shit. You ruin even a bite of my burrito, and there's a Hell you have to Pay.

Enjoy this quote-out-of-context:

"But if I call my mom we can order pizza AND get abortion pills."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Shrink Wrap: A thought and a dream

Every time I cut the shrink wrap off a pallet at work I think about how similar it must be to a doctor cutting open a person to do surgery. Then I think: this is the closest I will ever become to being a surgeon.


I saw three rats today. One was dead, but it still counts.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

erg. i hate flying.

So, now I am starting to freakout about this trip. Mainly because I don't want to die in a plane crash. I mean, it would be cool if the plane crashed and some type of "Lost" adventure ensued, minus all the death and shiz...and scary stuff...But since I'm not flying over an ocean, I don't even have that to look forward to.

The fact that I don't FULLY expect to die on this plane trip kinda makes me think that I totally WILL die on this plane trip. And the fact that I'm flying on such an infamous plane-death-day, makes me think I'll live, only to die on the return trip (which is a much less infamous death day...)

Since all of my worst fears come true, I would like you to know that if I DO die on this trip, I saw it coming for the most part. If I don't, well, I've been wrong before.

C'mon kids. Git it.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

I can't get this out of my head. You're welcome.

Watch this first:

Watch this second:

A typical conversation

Drawer: slam

Other Drawer: SLAM

Cabinet: SLAM SLAM

Other Cabinet: slam BANG

Me taking a shower: Hey! HEY! Are you mad or something?

Boyfriend: WAT? Why are you asking me that?!

Me taking a shower: Because you're slamming drawers and shit!

Boyfriend: I'm. Not. Mad. I. Just. Don't. Know. My. Own. Strength. Emily.

True story. Based on facts.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Braggart, I know.

I've gotten sappy.

Maybe it's because my boyfriend brings me cheese fries.

Maybe it's because Corndog Fluffernutter is so damn cute when he crosses his paws.

Maybe it's because I put down 4 bottles of wine with my three favorite people in the world.

None of this means that I'm still not looking for a fight.

Because I would still break a bottle and cut you faster than you could blink.

This I believe.