Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Open Letter: To People With Babies

Dear People With Babies,

First off, you should know that I fucking LOVE the shit out of babies, AND children. I really, really do. I like trying to make them laugh, I like watching them interact, I like playing with them and listening to their insane stories. I even enjoy trying to figure out what the hell they're trying to say when they aren't making any god-damned sense. I truly can say that I get a real kick out of kids. I even want to have a pup or two somewhat soonish. It's a short term goal.

You need to know that I really, REALLY LOVE KIDS. Because what I am going to say next is going to make me sound like a hater.

There is no excuse for some of the things that you People With Babies put others through, specifically; me.

I do not care if your kid is running around a little. (Kids forget rules all the time, that's why we call them kids and not adults). I do not care if your kid doesn't say 'please and thank you' (kids don't understand social norms). I do not even care if your kid is having a fit (that's your problem, so you figure it out).

What I DO FUCKING CARE ABOUT is when you let your kid chew on shit in your shopping cart and then when I go to scan it, I GET FUCKING SPIT AND SLOBBER (AND ONE TIME BARF) ALL OVER MY FUCKING HANDS.

Now, you might say, "Oh, don't freak out, it's just a baby", yeah, I totally understand that, but it's not MY FREAKING BABY and NOT MY FRIEND'S BABY. It's just somebody's baby who may or may not have a contagious disease. Babies do have diseases. It's a god-damned sad fucking fact in this world.

So, when I get your kids expectoration all over my hands, I often-times am stuck on a register for an hour, sometimes longer. YOU ARE RUDE AND I CAN'T JUST GO HOP OFF AND WASH MY HANDS. That means that I have to touch the next persons stuff with spit on my hands. THIS MAKES ME AND THE CDC VERY UNHAPPY. I am working in retail, and getting paid for retail work, not working and getting paid to deal with bio-hazards THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

I am busy wondering why people are so rude. If I put spit on something and made you pick it up, you would probably either punch me or tell my boss on me. So, WTF PEOPLE? Also, and this is a fact; I know that the packages of almost everything are super dirty and have, at the very least, been on a floor. I take stuff out of boxes for a living, and my hands often get quite dirty just from opening and shelving a box or two of whatever. Think about what you're letting your kid put in it's mouth for a god-damned second. Then remember to bring a semi-clean toy for your little peanut to occupy itself with.

When your kid has a sloppy nose, I give you a kleenex. Don't hand me stuff with a bunch of spit on it. Stop being rude.

Social tips for parents from an anti-social, non-parent.
With love and rage,
emily illinois


  1. Ditto. They touch and slobber all over the signs too. I'm pretty sure that's how I got tonsillitis a few years back.