Wednesday, June 30, 2010

In which the murderee becomes the murderer

This little fucker got onto my ceiling today somehow.

(Can you see that my eyes are all fucked up? Because I barely can...)

I tried to ignore it, thinking it was a moth or some shit, but then I realized it was way too long and skinny to be a moth. Then I thought it was a bee. But it wasn't. Then I thought it was a hornet. But it wasn't. In fact I have no idea what kind of creature it was. It could fly. It was watching me. I needed to take a shower but he was blocking my way to the bathroom. I threw a shoe at him. Then I threw another shoe. Then a newspaper. He didn't even flinch. He was some kind of trained combat soldier terrorist insect. Fuck that shit. So I tried to wake up my boyfriend. But he told me to "...just come in here and sleep..." NO WAY! The second I turn my back on that little infiltrating asshole is the minute he flies into my glorious hair, or hides in my purse or on the bottom of the doorknob, or in my shoe or some shit. I'M NOT STUPID!

So, then I'm like FINE I'm a fucking feminist. I can fucking handle this. I don't need a GD man to go around killing giant freak bugs for me. I'll do it my god-damned self! So IRONICALLY I pulled out the vacuum.

Now, I'm smart enough to know that with both my hands on the vacuum I was leaving myself open to attack. But honestly I really felt like it was my only hope. All of my other implements were on the other side of the room, BEHIND the giant broom, my joke flyswatter, my spray bleach, my shoes...Oh the longing...So, up goes the vacuum hose and--


That little fucker didn't even move. He seriously thought he was stronger than a vacuum. I let the thing run for like 5 minutes before I turned it off. I don't need to deal with any giant bugs wedged in the hose, crawling out and nesting in my ear or some shit. Anyway, I tried to get a gander at him through the clear dust-holder on the vacuum, but he's hiding. That little shit.

Moral of this story: Time to get new glasses. And I'm FUCKING brave. And I still scream like a 50 year old man...


  1. Thank you so much. Reading this was the best thing that happened to me today.. even the label made me laugh.
    Also, good job killin' that jerk. Luckily we've only had your run-of-the-mill flies in our house so far this summer.. the other night at like midnight I heard the one that had been buzzing around in our bedroom go into the bathroom, so I got up, locked myself in there with him, and about 20 minutes later, I walked out, alone. I would not, however, have locked myself in a room with that thing you described/drew... I'm uncomfortable typing on the same webpage as it, really.

    Oh, and as someone who used to live in a place infested with silverfish, if you're ever dealing with a fast bug, spray it with cleaner or something (cuz it smells nice, and is.. clean.. not to mention toxic). It never killed the fuckers, but slowed them down long enough for me to kill 'em myself.

    That is all. I'm proud of you.

  2. Thank you Megg. I am proud of you as well. You are a dedicated Bug Murderer, we should all take a lesson from you. And silverfish are DISGUSTING! ick.