Open Letter: To Getting Eight Hours of Sleep

Dear Getting Eight Hours of Sleep,

I just wanted to let you know a couple of things. The first one is that you are a lie, an overrated lie. The second thing is that you make me sick, literally.

People say that if you do not get Eight Hours of Sleep then you are missing out. They say that your life is messed-up, you have no schedule, that you are not taking proper care of yourself. That is bullshit. How did you weasel your way into my thinking? I used to believe in you, get Eight Hours of Sleep or more, just to prove how beneficial you were. I do not believe in you anymore though, Eight Hours of Sleep. I even read somewhere that people who get Eight Hours of Sleep or more have a higher mortality rate. I do not know why, and I do not know where I read that, but I believe it with all my heart and soul.*

Lately I have not been taking advantage of you, Eight Hours of Sleep. Frequently I get only Four to Six Hours of Sleep. Sometimes I would wake up, move around a little, go to work or do whatever it is that I do when I am not sleeping, then I would think, 'Jeeze Louise, I wish I could have had Eight Hours of Sleep.' Now I am refusing to let myself think that ever again. And that is because of what happened today, today you ruined it for yourself.

If you had not been such a Fuck-o, I would have probably kept thinking that Eight Hours of Sleep was a good thing. But, today I got Eight Hours of Sleep and now I feel sick. Not like I have a cold or the flu or the diarrhea or anything like that, no, I feel like I slept too much for too long. I am dizzy, tireder, and feel like I have the spins (and at least if I had the real spins it would be from a night of fun [if you know what I mean {and I think you do}]). No, all I did was lie in my bed and sleep for too long (that’s what I think now [Eight Hours of Sleep is too much]), I did not even have a sick dream to be proud of. Anyway, I just wanted you to know how done with you I am.

Setting my alarm for a robust Six Hours of Sleep now,

Emily Illinois


*Use of the word 'soul' is purely for reasons of persuading and of no merit in a religious sense.