Monday, August 17, 2009

Open Letter: To Wisconsin

Dear Wisconsin,

Word up Wisconsin! I have always wanted to ask you, what is it like to be so north of a State as awesome as Illinois? Sorry to be so confrontational, but I do not get much of a chance to ask what it is like to be north of Illinois.

I guess that you know that I rip on you a lot. I refer to residents of your State as, 'Butter Eaters', though I am sure that you know why. Me and my friend Catherine say to each other, 'Nothing good ever came from Wisconsin!' After we say this to each other I usually say that your cheese is good though. Mainly your cheese curds. Usually when I go into you I eat some cheese curds. Once I got some cheese curds from a restaurant. They kind of grossed me out. They were breaded and I think I thought about them too much when I ate them. When I think about cheese curds I get kind of grossed out. I do not understand the process of how they are made (I am sure it is gross because processes usually are). Then I think about it while I am eating them and my stomach feels kind of barfey and I have to stop eating them. I am sure you understand this, it cannot be the first time you have heard of this happening.

I am always up in your grill. I do not know why I resent the fact that most of my vacations have happened in you. Lake Geneva is beautiful and the boat tour was really nice. And the Dells were a lot of fun too. Though the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum left much to be desired, you should work on that. I also think that your Indian Mounds are cool. I do not understand Indian Mounds at all, but they are cool anyway. One time I saw a bald eagle with a fish in its talons flying around. No lie, it is a true fact. It was beautiful and made me feel like a real American from North America. I am sure that anyone would have felt that way though.

Do you like to be filled up with farms? It is not your fault; I know that you had no control over it. Do you feel like the farmers are raping you? I know that if I was you I would feel like the farmers were raping me. You probably say, 'Just because I have fertile soil, does not mean that I am asking for it! Fuck you farmers! Get off of me!' If you do not think that though then I think you are a ho, not a hoe, just a ho.

One time I was on a vacation in you and I saw the most beautiful stars that I have ever seen and I ate the best pizza ever and bought the coolest magnets that I ever owned. That was a time for Evers. And it happened in you. Not in a perverted way though. I wonder at times why I have such an Illinois stick up my ass about you...

My feelings for you really hardened when my Dad and Step-Mother, moved into you. That is when I was like; 'What the Fuck? Wisconsin!' That’s when I knew I hated you and your cheap land and asshole ways. I hate you for luring them with your trees, lakes and low-cost-of-living. They were your perfect victims. When they get feeble, how am I, my sister, step-brothers and step-sister supposed to care for them? You do not have an answer. Do not even try. It takes me five hours to drive there, or three, I cannot remember right now, but it takes too long. They have some time, Wisconsin, but I still think you are a total douche-bag.

Why couldn't the California wildfires happen to you?,

Emily Illinois

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