Monday, August 17, 2009

Open Letter: To Milk

Dear Milk,

You upset my stomach when I drink you. I wish you did not do this, but I am also kind of glad that this happens. I used to drink a glass of chocolate milk then want to barf. This had nothing to do with the chocolate syrup/Ovaltine that I would mix into you. I know this because I have had them both independent of you and nothing happened; even though I am sure that you would have had it differently. Anyway, plain, you just kind of suck anyway.

Really, what are you? Lactation from a bovine. Gross. Mammary glandular secretions. That makes me want to crap a book on how to barf. I think I just did. I would not drink dog milk, why would I drink cow milk? There are no easy answers here.

My old roommate used to say that he would rather drink human breast milk than cow’s milk. That used to make my stomach turn and I would feel kind of homophobic (for obvious reasons). I thought he was a total perv, but he was not, he was just being logical, I guess. I still do not want to drink ladies'-boobie-milk though.

I eat cheese all the time (against my better judgment [what with the hormones and all]). Whatever. Life without pizza is not a life worth living. I am going to put that on a bumper sticker. In fact, I would go so far as to say, 'Never trust a person who does not like pizza.' But even just cheese is delicious. Cheese curds, sliced cheese, cubed cheese, feta cheese, macaroni and cheese, nacho cheese and various other cheese foods. You get my drift. I am totally into cheese, unless its parmesan (overrated) or blue (Grossie McGrosserson). Or if it makes your mouth taste like you just licked a sheep’s nipple then ate a farm, I hate that kind of cheese.

Back to milk though. It has been about 7 years since I just drank a glass of you plain, even a small one. I blame this on you for not 1.Tasting better and 2.Being so lactosie. Your fault. I still use you sometimes for cooking though, so do not feel too bad, even though I use soy milk more. Sorry, but plant nipples are way hot.

Lactaid is too expensive and you are not worth it,

Emily Illinois

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